All the time. All the damn time.
My nails suffer from it. My ability to concentrate.
Sleep is getting hard to get lately.
Sure, I'm other things as well, but always scared.
I can feel it creeping up on me and I just want to drown it out and I try with music and walking and socializing and work and hope but it just stays there inside my head.
God I'm tired.
My pills don't seem to work anymore either. They take only the bare minimum.
Look, I'm not blowing any whistles here or anything, it's just, if I can't communicate my fear here then where the fuck can I? I'm not even sure how long it's been this way but a careful estimate says 12-14 years, with substantial lulls. It's been a while since a lull. I'm not even sure that the warm embrace of Love would do any good. I'm lonely, obviously, but that plays second fiddle to the fear.
I guess this is why people drink, some people.
Why some people turn to imaginary friends.
The whole world is about to collapse in on itself from waves of time, but I'm not supposed to tell you that. I'm supposed to tell you that I'm doing fine. When I say I'm doing fine I mean it, even if I'm only doing fine when you asked.
Eventually I will tire myself out and then I'll get a good, long, uninterrupted nights sleep. And then everything may look brighter. All the time, not just some of the time, not just when I try to shout it out with idle pleasures.
And words to that effect.
Goodnight.
1 comment:
Dear one, I think that people, to whom everything seems brighter ALL the time, would be so alien to you and me, that we would´nt even be able to communicate with them. But yes, some of the time, it must seem brighter some of the time. I hope you´re getting there. Soon.
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